I’m not sure where my anxiety originally stemmed from, but I believe I’ve had it ever since middle school. I was always the ‘sick’ kid (not sick as in cool but sick as in vomit) and the bucket in the first aid room practically had my name on it. Every time something changed in my routine, like I went to a sleepover or god forbid a school trip, the impending sick fountain would occur.
For those of you who may not understand or know what having anxiety is like, I’m going to try and explain what anxiety is for me. At random moments throughout the day, I get a feeling of worry or fear that gradually builds and builds before suddenly switching to a completely new topic to worry about. This internal fighting back and forth is tiring, and although it may look like I’m not doing anything my mind is flitting from one catastrophe to the next.
The thoughts and worries that I have may seem irrational to you, and I admit after writing them down they do seem pretty absurd. I have been jotting some of my most reoccurring worries to share with you…
- Why do I have anxiety? I have no reason to be anxious, so why can’t I just stop?
- Did I leave something out that the cat could eat and then die from?
- I’m taking way to long to tell this story, I should stop. Am I annoying you?
- Well they didn’t pick up their phone on the first ring, should I start calling local hospitals and put a missing post on Facebook?
- My stomach hurts and I’ve got a blocked nose, is this what dying is?
- Plans have changed at the last minute, these new plans were not in my schedule. Can I still go? Nope.
It wasn’t until the end of 2015 that I actually started treatment specifically for anxiety – partly my fault for being too scared to talk to a doctor about my problems and partly my previous doctor’s fault for not recognising the signs sooner. I feel as though my symptoms have improved, but there’s still some more progress to be made.