I’m sat here marveling at my own stupidity, my heart is beating ten to the dozen just at the thought of writing this blog post. I recently thought I’d taken a big leap forwards in terms of my battle with anxiety, I’ve managed to open up to a couple of my friends (sort of) and I’ve been trying my hardest to not close myself off from everybody. Alas, a measly little blog post that nobody will read has me with my heart in my throat.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly well, I take some time out to evaluate anxiety and consider what it does to me. It’s not something that I can do when I’m fully engorged in the moment but I do tend to find it refreshing to look back at those times and consider how anxiety impacts my behaviour.
- I get anxious at the thought of being anxious – quite a silly notion when you think about it, but I do find myself getting into a viscous cycle of making myself anxious just thinking about what I’ll do or not do when I am anxious.
- I back out of any social situation – I’m the ultimate flake when it comes to going out and seeing my friends. I like to think of myself as a homebody, but I do actually enjoy seeing people when I do go out. It’s just the thought of actually going out that fills me with dread. There’s only so many times you can say no to plans before you no longer get the invite, it’s good in the way that I no longer have to think of a shabby excuse as to why I’m busy (apparently I can’t get the words ‘I don’t think I can because of my anxiety’ out of my pie hole) but it terrifies me that people think I’m a shit person in general.
- I get scared easily – this one isn’t too serious and I do actually see the funny side of it; but I get scared and scream at things really easily. I only realised this was due to anxiety when my doctor explained that my anxiety also causes me to be on edge, my fight or flight mode constantly engaged. My fiance tried to announce when he was coming into the room and moved around loudly so I wouldn’t scream bloody murder when he ‘creeped’ up on me but not even that worked.
- I always wait for something horrible to happen – even when the day could not be going any better I always have a niggling thought in the back of my mind that something will go wrong. Just driving home from work after a pretty good day? Don’t worry, you’ll probably pass out at the wheel, crash and die. That fear is actually a pretty regularly occurring one for me, whenever I’m a passenger I have to go over how I would stop the car in the safest way possible if the person driving suddenly became unconscious.
- I pick and itch my skin compulsively – and boy do I get angry when somebody points this out to me and gets me to stop. It’s compulsive in the way that I don’t know I’m doing it and it’s repulsive in the way that I keep going until I eventually bleed. But bleeding means scabbing, which means something to pick at, with the cycle eventually leading to scarring.
I don’t really know where I was going with this blog post or how I expected to end it but, bye.
Wilkos are surprisingly killing it with some wedding items at the moment! I would never have thought to look in there but after discovering (and buying) the 6 set of old style milk bottles to use for flowers in the table centre pieces, I had a further look on their website and found some other wedding’y, diy’y bits too!
If you’re looking for some bargains I suggest you check them out!
The couple of hours of sunshine we had this morning has left me feeling all spring’y so I thought I’d post some of the clothes I’ve been eyeing up recently for the up and coming season.
The aim of these questions is to generate some more ideas about what you’d really love to do.
Putting aside any ‘Yes, buts’, without limits, and with the biggest of ‘Fuck Its’, what would you like to have?
I’d like a huge country manor house with a thatched roof and pretty flowers in the garden. It’d be where all of my family and friends like to gather and would be a completely open house where everybody felt comfortable. Oh and I’d also like a Landrover Defender.
Putting aside any ‘Yes, buts’, without limits, and with the biggest of ‘Fuck Its’, what (or who) would you like to be?
I’d like to be Emma Stone, well at least I think I would, she comes across as having a care-free ‘fuck it’ attitude and she’s also hilarious (or Jennifer Lawrence, not fussy).
I’d also like to be anxiety free and not have a worry in the world. LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
Putting aside any ‘Yes, buts’, without limits, and with the biggest of ‘Fuck Its’, what would you like to do?
I’d like to graduate and get a masters without doing any of the work. I’d also like to buy a B&B and give it to the homeless people where I live so they could live there and work there and make it into a business to also help others – like a pay it forward scheme but for homes and livelihoods, not just food. I’d like to move house and start a family and get married. I’d like to learn how to cook and to dance (not at the same time).
Some questions to help me think more about what I love to do.
If you could take a year off, what would you do?
I’d like to take my family on a big holiday to Orlando for about a month. Then I’d like to buy some land and begin to design and build my dream home with Alex.
Who do you look at and say ‘Ah, they live the life’?
Probably the Michalaks, they get to spend quality family time together and make memories that will last a life time. They maintain a good work/life balance and are really showcasing that doing what you love can be possible.
What’s your guilty pleasure?
Listening to relaxing acoustic music when I’m going about my daily tasks. I also love to just forget about all of the things I have to do and take a nap.
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
This is a tough one as the fear of failure is embedded in us all. I think if I knew that I would definitely not fail then I would set up my coffee shop idea but also learn enough that I would be able to mentor people on how to also start up their dream businesses and make them successful.
Similar to yesterday’s post but instead a list of the things you don’t love to do.
What are you not loving doing, or even hating?
- Being constantly ill
- Stressing about moving house
- Being anxious and on edge
- My last couple of years at university (currently lack motivation)
- Struggling to find the right help
- Being overwhelmed
This is a record of the things that I used to love, currently love and could potentially love. It’s meant to be continuously updated as I come across more things I love or remember more things that I used to love doing.
What do you love doing?
- Stroking my cats
- Being cuddled up with a blanket when it’s cold and raining outside
- Walking arm in arm with Alex and talking about everything and anything
- Being a passenger in the car on long journeys (preferably en route to a holiday destination)
- Making a to do list and ticking it off as I complete each task
- Being in the water, not necessarily to swim but just to play games and mess around
- Playing catch
- Playing board games and winning
- Singing along to music and having a dance
- Having breakfast, lunch or dinner with people – filling our bellies and nattering
- Having a clean and tidy house, workspace and car
- Having time on my own
- Solving my own problems and other peoples
- Putting the world to right with my friends and family
What did you used to love doing?
- Playing in the garden with my brother
- Lying on my back and listening to music
- Sitting around chatting to my friends
- Bus journeys (the quiet ones)
- Getting good grades
- Spending hours on end watching mindless YouTube videos
What can you imagine loving doing in the future?
- Having a family
- Teaching people how to solve problems
- Helping others
- Road tripping around the UK and Europe
- Travelling with my family and exploring hidden gems
- Exercising and eating well
- Getting married
- Going outside
- Being out of my comfort zone…occasionally
- The summer
The next step is to write a letter from a 70 year old me to the present me.
Dear Younger Me,
You’ve always said how much you love old people, and now you are one! Doesn’t time fly, whether you’re having fun or not.
Great news, everything went to plan and you’ve aged happily and healthily with your dearest family and friends. Also, bonus points, you’re yet to smell like lavender and urine!
One bit of advice, stop trying to guess what’s going to happen in the future and live in the present as one day there won’t be that much of the future left to anticipate (that took a bit of a bleak turn).
My first task it to write a letter from 17-year old me to present me, so here it is.
Dear Older Kym,
I wonder if you’ve finally decided what to do with your life? At the moment you’re not being ‘teacher’-pressured into applying for university as it just doesn’t seem like the right thing for you. Full time education has been a ball ache and to be honest I can’t think of anything worse than continuing on with it. Also, the whole social side of meeting new people and moving away freaks
me you us out if we’re being honest.
Whatever we’re doing I just hope it’s something that we enjoy and something that we can build a career from. At the moment I get joy from the little things in life such as bombing around in my KA and binge watching Friends, but maybe when I’m older I’ll start to enjoy the more grown up, sophisticated things in life such as dinner parties and ironing.
No matter what happens, I hope we’re happy and that we surround ourselves with happy people who love us for who we are.